Elevators

This was written sometime after the initial attack on the World Trade Center. I remember that was in the winter and then I was home for Christmas break and I heard on the news about a class trip where a group of students got stuck in an elevator. I don’t remember for how long, I think it was a few hours though. Anyway, in the news report they mentioned how the class (along with their teacher/s) sang to pass the time and keep each other calm. My friend Brooks lived in a building on Mulberry Street where the elevator made a low buzzing noise when it reach the floor instead of the typical “ding”. I knew this from experience but it still freaked me out. I was scheduled to see Brooks and his girlfriend and have dinner at their place and that is what I reference going to his place.

What about elevators. Why do they freak me out so? I mean, honestly, what can happen? And of the two million people in New York City why do I think that I will perish in an elevator? People ride them every day and nothing happens to them. I mean, if it did, you would hear about it because it would be such an odd occurrence, you know? God I'm a weenie sometimes. It sucks. Of course the weather isn't supposed to be great this week either but I've finally learned to cope with it.

It's so stupid, you know? I don't know why I get all worked up. I mean, it's the shortest ride it could possibly be. What's the big worry? No ones ever died in one. It's not gonna freak out a jump out of the walls it's in.. And so what if I get stuck - there's nothing I can do so I might as well sit back and enjoy it.

I think the fear is all related to not being in control. I'm worried that once the door closes, I'm no longer under my own control. That's where the fear comes in. It's not so much elevators, just as it's not so much subways or thunderstorms, or heights, or anything else. It's a lack of control that I fear so much. If I could just come to terms with the idea that there will always be things that are beyond my control then I could deal with my fears more rationally then I do now. The other weird thing is why I feel more comfortable with someone else in the elevator, even if I don't know them. Maybe because then I know that I'm not alone in my lack of control. There is someone else who has to go through the whatever with me, so if we get stuck we both have to deal with it. Or maybe it's knowing that we're not gonna get stuck (most likely) and the person I'm with doesn't have a remote thought about the possibility of getting stuck. The strange thing too is that I don't ever remember being afraid of elevators.. I guess it's because I didn't ever have to ride them in my youth, and then when I came to school here I was suddenly thrust into a situation where I had to do it. But what I don't understand is why is there such a great fear about Brooks' building? I ride the elevators in my building almost every day..

The fear is because of the way the elevator sounds.. You get on, the door closes, the "engine" or whatever, starts, and then it sounds like it stops and there is a buzz, and it sounds like something has gone wrong, but that, of course, is what the elevator does EVERY time, but it seems abnormal to me because the elevator I ride in this building doesn't do that. It's that uncomfortableness with knowing what's coming.. the way the ride sounds, etc. but it's stupid.. it's a short ride and I know that that's how it sounds.. but because it's abnormal, I think what if it doesn't sound that way? Either way it's not good..