Update

I've posted a bunch of "new" blog entries that are really not new - they are excerpts from journals I kept off and on from high school through a period of my life post-college. I compiled these specific postings for my current therapist and decided they were good things to post on this blog.

I was supposed to start a Mindfulness and Mediation workshop yesterday (Monday) but I bailed on it. My reasons for bailing were.. well partly anxiety related -- I arrived at the building on Madison Ave about 40 minutes prior to the start of the "class" and felt uneasy -- but also there were other factors. I had read more about the workshop online and wasn't sure it was my cup of tea. Of course, I probably should have done that research before I signed up. But the other contributing factor was softball. See, I play on a work softball team and many of our games this season are on Monday's. Because the workshop was also on Monday's I would have missed almost 1/2 the season. As I explained to my therapist today, my anxiety prevents me from doing things I want to do - like flying to California or Aruba -- and I don't want my anxiety treatment to prevent me from doing things I want and CAN do - like playing softball. Of course, my therapist (and my wife) reaction to that idea was that dealing with my anxiety is more important than softball.

I could say that I don't agree but they would both argue I'm just justifying not dealing with my anxiety.

In any event, the workshop - because of my "late" cancellation - is non-refundable so my only option is to re-enroll in a later workshop. So my "justification" for bailing is rendered mute, unless I want to forfeit the rather substantial payment for the workshop.

So many things to think about in dealing with the anxiety.. Yet another reason I wish I didn't have this frickin' issue / disability / whatever-you-want-to-call it.