Tuesday, May 3, 2011


The thing I fear most is a lack of control. There are many ways a lack of control - or the sense of a lack of control - can strike. For me, originally it was traffic.. being stuck in traffic triggered a panic attack. And then just the fear of being stuck in traffic could cause an anxiety attack. I have what my therapist described as anticipatory anxiety. This shouldn't surprise me as I've never been good at waiting. I'm usually early for things - appointments, dinner reservations, whatever. But then I have to wait and I get anxious. But I don't like the feeling of running late because then I get anxious looking at the clock and thinking "I'm late.."

So I had my anxiety under control for a while but then the lack of control snuck back into my head -- this time on the subway. Once those doors close you're stuck until the next station and the doors open. And since its a subway you're underground in a dark claustrophobic tunnel. Its not like being in a car in traffic where there is air and light and cell phone service.

So then again the anticipatory anxiety took over -- what if I got stuck in a subway ? What if the train stopped in between stations for more than just a minute or two? What if some crazy person got hit by the train and we were stuck for hours.. So now I can't even get on the subway. I've been, ironically..driving to work. I don't mind the drive, its short, and I have music and my cell phone so I can call people if anything "bad" happens.

I know this is 'old news' but I just started writing this stream of conscienceless.

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