Vacation (All I've Ever Wanted)

Pam and I have just come back from a wonderful two weeks of vacation. Getting out of the city and back to the "country" life on Long Island was ideal for me and my current state of mind / state of anxiety. And making it all the more wonderful was coming back to Brooklyn to a new job that is ALSO in Brooklyn meaning I can walk or ride my bike to work! SCORE!


We ended up being out of town for the better part of two weeks, one week due to Hurricane (Tropical Storm) Irene and the other week being a scheduled week off between jobs. All in all it was just what the "doctor" ordered as far as some low stress down time for all of us - Pam, myself and our doggy who also has anxiety issues.


I'm happy to be back in Brooklyn and thrilled about my new job that not only allows me to walk or bike to work but in which I'm learning multiple new skills -- Android and iOS app development!


Due to the two weeks away - again, one unexpected because of the weather and one scheduled, I did not see my therapist for two weeks. However, given my mental state during that time away I think I was okay with missing some therapy sessions.


Of course, once I got back to "the grind" I started having weird dreams about my brother and having altercations with him.I'm sure this is due both to my sometimes acrimonious relationship with my brother as well as my mostly always acrimonious relationship with my brother-in-law, but I won't go into the details of either of those unhealthy relationships here!


I'll be turning 40 soon and I'm in a period of mixed emotions about that. My new job is awesome and on some level feels like a post-college-graduate kind of situation, and yet I'm realize I'm 40 and I have responsibilities -- a mortgage,  a wife, a "child" (okay, a dog) but never the less it's a lot too think about..


But I guess I'm looking forward to whatever kind of party my wife has planned for me and willing to except that you only get older, you can't go backwards and get younger.

Anxiety or Health Issue?

Recently I have had some episodes of what feels like maybe anxiety but what might also be something more serious. Basically, what is happening is I wake up with what I can only describe as a "fluttering" feeling my my chest, almost as if I'd had too much sugar or caffeine  However, since I'm just waking up in the morning I know its not from too much sugar or caffeine. Anyway, along with this feeling in my chest is some nausea and feeling hot and/or sweating - even after taking a shower.

The first time it happened was about a week ago and that day was the morning I was going to give notice at work (I got a new job, more about that later). Anyway, I tried to just let it go and started off on my way to work but the feelings continued and so I took an anxiety med. The med helped a little but not enough and made me tired so I ended up calling in sick to work.

These feelings happened again this weekend -- Saturday and Sunday morning. On Saturday I was up earlier than I normally would be on a Saturday because I was playing in a touch football tournament. Again, I chalked it up to anxiety because my wife was away and I was driving with a friend to the event. But my friend knows about my anxiety and so I pressed on.

Sunday morning though I felt it again -- less so than the previous two times, but still on some level. I had slept in on Sunday and had no reason to be feeling any kind of anxiety so I started to get a little concerned. I did some research on my symptoms and found that they could be associated with an arrhythmia.

Now, it should be noted that I was diagnosed as having a slow heart beat when I was young and have had one my entire life. One type of arrhythmia is a slow heart rate. Additionally, these kind of feelings can be caused by anxiety; however, these kind of heart issues can also cause anxiety so its a chicken or the egg kind of thing.

I'm planning to go see a cardiologist and will report back his/her findings.

Dream Log

In therapy yesterday I told me therapist about strange dreams that I have had over the past two weeks. (She was on vacation last week so it had been two weeks since I last saw her.) Her feeling was that my psyche is trying to work out a lot of issues that I have conflicting emotions about and so that explains some of my dreams.


I've decided that I'm going to try to write more regularly on this blog and part of that is going to be chronicling dreams that I think are of interest as far as my anxiety.


So on to last nights dream.. I was in the town I grew up in and, as is the case in many of my dreams, I was having difficulty with my legs. Basically, they felt tired and heavy and I was able to walk but not very quickly - or what would be consider a normal pace. I was also leaning forward as if to use my upper body to help push myself forward. I then went into a place to get food - it was a buffet type place, similar to where I often eat lunch when I am at work. In the dream the buffet place had a seating area and that is where the cash register was also, but they were closing up the seating area so I was trying to finishing pick my food quickly so I could get in to pay for it. However, the dinning room / register closed before I got there. And because I was rushing I some how wound up with two plastic containers - one inside the other. So I exit the buffet area and figure I guess I don't have to pay for my food since the register is closed and so I start to leave. Then I pass these three girls I went to grade school with - they are sisters - and their Dad is with them but he is in a wheelchair. Now what was weird was that they were all still young in the dream - as when we went to grade school - but their Dad was older, and as I mentioned in a wheel chair. I said brief hello's to them and then continued out the door but then I realized that the plastic container I was carrying was empty -- and I only had one, not the one inside the other one. It was as if I had dropped the container with the food in it. So I went back into the food place - and again my legs were tired and heavy so I could not move very quickly - and as I walked in I saw my food container on the floor and a janitor guy was about the sweep it up and throw it out. I called out to him to stop but before I could get his attention he hit it with his mop and it flipped over and all the food spilled out. Then I woke up..


I'm not sure how interested any of you will be in my dreams but I want to post them to my blog so I have a record of them and I can share them with my therapist later.

Steps

I've finally signed up again for the mindfulness and meditation workshop that I blew off earlier this year. It starts on September 14th and runs 8 weeks. The classes are 7:00-9:00pm so it will be a total of 16 hours.


On Tuesday when I got to my therapy session I am planning to work with my therapist to semi-induce an anxiety attack and then talk through what I'm feeling, etc. with my therapist. I read an interesting article on the Psychology Today website about this approach (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-connection/201107/the-truth-about-anxiety-0). The idea being that when an anxiety attack comes on rather than trying to get out of the situation and stop the anxiety, you "turn into" the anxiety and try to deal with it head on.


I'm excited but also nervous about doing this. However, Pam will be home so I will have her to help me post-therapy session if I'm still in an anxious state when I get home.

Anxiety, Day 2

I'm working from home again today.. Even though I really should have gone to the office. I had borrowed a friends iPad and he is leaving today (he lives in Virginia) so now I have to mail it back to him. My boss is also coming to the office today and wants to chat about the next phase of a project I've been working on. I sent him an e-mail and told him about my anxiety. So now that's out there.

I'm not sure whats going on with me these days. I made sure I got a good nights sleep last night -- well made as "sure" as I could. I went to bed early, etc. I felt like I slept okay, although I did have this strange dream. In the dream I had apparently been in a car accident -- I was hit head on and then another car hit me from behind and flipped the car. I apparently ended up being in a coma for a few months. I know this because when I woke up (in the dream) baseball season was over and football season was on. Then people told me about the accident, etc.

I woke up with a headache on the right side of my head too. Normally, when I have sinus issues I'll get a headache on the left side of my head so having it on the right was odd. It almost felt like a hangover but all I drank last night was ginger ale.

The other "pressing" reason to go to the office today - or at least into the city - is to pick up my prescription refill since I took my last pills Thursday night. I think I'll be okay for a few days without them. I am going to encourage my wife to come home early on Sunday so she can drive me into NYC to pick up my meds.

Thats the other thing about the anxiety -- I've been driving myself to work but when Pam is away with the car I don't have that option. In theory being in a cab should feel the same as driving myself, but it doesn't. I don't have the same amount of control when someone else is driving.

I'm really not sure how to proceed from here as far as my therapy, my meds, etc.

I so fear having an anxiety attack that I get anxious thinking about it that it prevents me from even trying. I guess if I could find some way of inducing a panic attack in a controlled environmental I could learn how to cope with them and then the anticipation of having one wouldn't be so bad.

Anxiety Now

I'm home alone and I had a mild anxiety attack this morning. I think there were many factors involved in triggering the attack. Firstly, I didn't sleep well last night -- I had a lot of weird dreams, including some strange "where am I" / "How did I get here" type dreams. Pam is away too -- with the car -- and so my normal routine of driving to work is not an option. I took a cab to work on Tuesday but worked from home yesterday and so I'm working from home again today. I think the other part of the trigger was I have a dentist appointment scheduled for this afternoon (which I've now cancelled). The appointment was to have a post implanted in my jaw to eventually support a fake tooth. I was definitely nervous about the whole procedure and how I would feel after it and so I wasn't looking forward to going. And again, not having Pam here always ramps up my overall anxiety level.


I took my "as needed" meds to help calm myself down and then told my work supervisor about my anxiety.I think he was aware of my anxiety but since he is my new supervisor I wasn't 100% sure.


I'm trying not too think too much about tomorrow -- I "have" to get into the city at some point because I borrowed a co-workers iPad and he is leaving tomorrow (he isn't normally in our NYC office) and I also have to go to Duane Reade and pick up my daily meds. I'm thinking that I could make the trip this evening when no one is in the office and traffic will be light. I can drop off the iPad and e-mail my co-worker about where I left it and then go to Duane Reade and then take a cab home again.


I hate that I feel this way, especially when Pam is away, because I don't want her to feel like she can't go away. Of course, not having the car makes it harder -- being in a cab makes me feel like I have less control, although you'd think that, on some level, having a person in the cab with me (the driver) would make me feel better. However, the drivers typically are on their cell phones (even though they aren't supposed to be) and even then, don't seem to speak much english.


Okay.. I guess I should actually starting working now..

Sad

I've been putting off this post for a while because I was still working on my reaction to some sad news.

I found out that other day that someone I knew had died. He was a doctor - a chiropractor - that I knew because I had been a patient of his from 2003-2006. He was only 35, so I'm older than he is. I guessed that we were around the same age. He was such a good guy. He died of hantavirus..such a rare thing to die from. He left behind a wife and three children.

I was really effected by learning of his death because I read about how he was cleaning the basement of the house he and his wife owned and that the virus he died of probably came from mouse droppings in the basement. When I was his patient I remember him speaking fondly of the "old" house he and his wife had bought. The work they had put into it. His oldest child is five - I remember him telling me about his wife being pregnant and how excited he was about the pending birth of his first child.

He was a great doctor and after almost three years of treatment I stopped seeing him because my back felt better. And it still feels good. I've had other problems with my upper back and I've moved from one place to another and so I see a different chiropractor when I need too. But the problems he helped me with - my lower back - I had suffered with off and on for almost 8 years before I found him. He treated me, and after 8 years of suffering he "cured" me. It took almost 3 years but he did it and I felt great. And now he is gone.

I was almost sick to my stomach when I read the story about him. It was "news" because it was such an unusual way for someone to die. But it should have been news because this young man, only 35 years old, died. Whatever the reason, whatever the cause, it should be brought to the attention of the general public. Good people shouldn't die.. but they do. I know that there are many brave and heroic men and women who have died in Iraq or Afghanistan or who died in countless other wars, and I know that often their deaths go unnoticed or unaccounted for by the general public. And those deaths are no less important, but this death, really struck me. Maybe because I knew him, maybe because we had a lot in common -- our age, our attempts to start our own businesses, other things.

I'm so sad thinking about him being gone, and that doesn't even include when I think about the wife and children he left behind.

And I guess on some level, this sad story helps me put things in perspective too. I have my anxiety, I worry about getting stuck on a subway or an elevator, but the reality of this sad news makes me realize that my life is pretty good, and being stuck in some scarey place, for minutes or even hours, doesn't compare to the pain his famiyl must feel.

Anticipatory Anxiety

I'm supposed to meet some friends in NYC around 7pm tonight for karaoke. I'm meeting up with people I played touch football with and the get together was actually my idea. However, I'm feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing. I believe the anxiety is mostly because Pam is on Long Island at her Mom's as opposed to here in Brooklyn with me. Even if Pam were here she most likely would not be joining me at karaoke but I would feel better for two reasons -- one, she would be here and reachable if I "needed" her and two, I could drive. 


Of course, she is still reachable - she has her cell and I can call her. I can also can any of the many others who know about my anxiety and have offered to "be there" for me. But I think having her physically here would make me feel better before leaving.


And driving would be nice on one level but on the other hand, if I don't drive I can have a cocktail or two and not worry about the effects of the alcohol as I would have to worry if I drove.


I know myself well enough to know that this anxiety is not new or unusual and that once I get to the bar and meet up with my friends I'll most likely be fine. However, I am considering taking a med before I leave our apartment. And speaking of meds - I need to do another blog post about the new psychiatrist I started seeing and the meds he put me on.

A New Chapter

Start a new chapter
Find what I'm after
It's changing every day
The change of a season
Is enough of a reason
To want to get away
One of my relatives just turned 30 and she had a nice outlook on her big birthday -- she said she saw it as an opportunity to start a new part of her life. Her 29th year was filled with some work related uncertainty and she felt like the timing of her birthday coincided with a new job and some other changes nicely.


I have a significant birthday coming out in October -- I'll be 40! I'm now thinking that for me 40 will also be a good turning point. I'm going to get back to aggressively "challenging" my anxiety and trying to over come my inability to tide on the subway. Even if that means having some failures that include having anxiety attacks. I used to get migraine headaches a few times a year (over the past four years I've only had two) and after the first few that really freaked me out I learned how to handle them and so, although they were unpleasant, they just became an annoyance, not a "big deal". I always thought I would get to that point with the anxiety attacks. My goal is to get to that point now.


*The lyrics at the top of this post are from the song "Fly By Night" by Rush

Some Transitions Are Good!

On Friday I met with my new boss and got a promotion and a raise! I'm quite excited - but also a little nervous. The reason I have a new boss is that when my company was acquired my current boss was given the option to move into a more long term strategic / planning role and along with that was the opportunity to move he and his family to London so he jumped at the chance.


Anyway, when my boss told me of his transition I made he and others aware that I thought I would be a good candidate to take over for him as the "leader" of our development team. At first it looked like this wasn't going to happen -- we had been told that we, the development team, would all report to someone else. So that someone else is my new boss.


However, when I met with him on Friday he told me he was glad to learn that I was interested in becoming the team leader and that he was really hoping to rely on me for a lot of help and guidance on the internal transition of our companies following the acquisition.


Now the reason I'm a little nervous about the promotion is that it MAY require some travel. And as you all know, I'm not a great traveler right now. My old boss knew about my anxiety but I'm pretty sure he has not mentioned it to anyone else. There is no travel on the radar at the moment but its something I have to think about and figure out how to handle if / when it comes up.

It's All My Ex's Fault

I had a great session with my therapist today. We talked a lot about my last serious relationship prior to Pam. I will just refer to that girl as "D".. which is progress because I used to refer to her as "the C-word".. YES, that C-word!

I was almost surprised to realize that it was just short of a year between the time I broke up with D and the time my anxiety started.

The thing that is so funny about my relationship with her is that, at that time in my life, I was probably the most secure and confident that I had ever been in my life up to that point. I had quit my job to start my own web design company. I was more or less living pay check to pay check but I was okay with that. When D and I were together and she was job hunting (more on that later) I was willing to relocate pretty much anywhere she wanted, as long as I was confident we'd be there for a long enough period of time that I could build a business there.

But it wasn't all upside with D and that of course is why we broke up. We started dating in January of 2001 and were together until just after Thanksgiving on 2002. During the time we were together I went from living in my own place to living with her, even though I originally resisted moving in together. I had made arrangements to rent a room from a friend but she wanted us to leave together. We fought -- we did that a lot -- and I caved -- I did that a lot too -- and so I moved in with her.

And, looking back, that was the beginning of being trapped in my relationship with her. I didn't have anywhere else to go so I had to stick it out with her. I know that had I been living in my own place I probably would have broken up with her long before November 2002.  After living together in what had been her mother's house we moved closer to NYC so she could work in the city. I really thought that moving out of that house would be great for her, that it would help her and our relationship. It turns out I was wrong.

D's mother had passed away in 1999 and she had moved from Pennsylvania to Long Island to deal with her Mom's house and estate. Despite having two sisters, D took everything upon herself. I think this was part of her psyche though -- that she could, or more likely "had" to do everything herself.

I think D was very upset about losing her mother -- as most people would be -- but more than just because her mother was gone. D was on a cruise when her Mom died and I think D blamed herself, as though not being on the cruise would have made a difference. The only problem with that theory is that D lived in Pennsylvania so she would not have been with her Mom on the night she passed.

My therapist thinks that D was stuck in the grieving process and I think she is probably right.

During therapy in 2004 my then therapist suggested that I write a letter to D -- not one that I would ever send, but just a chance to vent. I've decided to include that letter here..

Dear D,


I’m sitting in my room in East Hampton listening to music that makes me think of our relationship –


I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
But this is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
I've tried for you
To do everything you wanted me too
But this is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you


These lyrics makes me think about the end of our relationship – the terrible time I had at Thanksgiving and what a bitch you were and how I told myself that after the holidays, I was leaving. But I couldn’t even make it through the holidays, and I’m so glad that I left when I did. I’m just sorry that it took me so long to get up the courage too leave.There were so many times I wanted to go and I didn’t. The time we had the big fight at the house in Montauk – had I been living at Peej and Jess’ like I wanted too, I would have left then. But I didn’t take the room they offered because I chose to not fight with you over it. If I had stuck to my guns and rented the room from P and J, our relationship would have ended so much earlier.


I also think about so many minor modifications I made to my daily routine to please you, such as drying off in the shower so the bathmat didn’t get too wet. But the ironic thing about that was the whole reason you didn’t like it when the bathmat was wet was because you insisted on not wearing shoes in the house, and that was another change I made for you while living in your house in Montauk.
I look back, too, and compare you with N. Most outside observers would say that there are not similarities between you, and yet I see so many. You were both completely insecure; it’s just that your insecurity manifested itself in different ways. With N, it was her physical body that she attempted to manipulate through her eating disorders. With you it was your attempt to please everyone around you all the time, and to never be a bother. An example of this is bringing your own sheets and towels to someone’s house when invited to be an overnight guest. Your response to that would be that it is the “polite” thing to do, except 99% of the world would say the polite thing is for the person inviting you to spend the night to provide linens.


Another demonstration of your obvious insecurities were the way you left messages on people’s answering machines – and I remember noticing this when we first started dating. You would start with “It’s just me”, but in a tone in which the subtext was “don’t get excited, it’s no one important, just Dorothy.” What I would love to understand about you, but I know I never will, is why you are so insecure. You did well in school, you were a successful nurse, and probably could have been a successful nurse-paralegal had you stuck with it long enough. I can only guess you were trying to get the approval of your parents, but unfortunately, they had both passed away before I met you, and so I know that they was never going to happen.


Another thing I hated about you – and it’s funny that I use that word, “hate” – because you are the only one of my ex-girlfriends that I have feelings of hate and animosity towards. But on to my point – the way you looked at the world with such a negative perspective. It’s so sad to see someone with so much to vent about – so much anger. And I know that you would think I was the angry one in our relationship, but at least I expressed my emotions and then moved on. You insisted that your jadedness was based on life experience, and if that’s so, then I feel sorry that your life has been so miserable. And yet, having met your friends from Pennsylvania and your family, I can’t believe that your life was ever that bad that you would become so jaded.


How could you paint this picture?
Was life as bad as it should seem, 
that there were no more options for you?
Did daddy not love you?
Or did he love you just too much?
Did he control you?
Did he live through you at your cost?
Did he leave no questions for you to answer on your own?
Well fuck them,
and fuck him,
and fuck you,
for not having the strength in your heart to pull through.


The only thing I can think of is that you carry with you bitterness about B breaking off your engagement and resentment towards your sister Carol who got married around the same time you would have married Bernard. And so you carry anger and hatred towards both of them because your sister has the family you think you should have but don’t because B didn’t marry you. And of course, had you married him all those years ago, your mother would have been alive to see it and to most likely see grandchildren from you, and I think that is why you lived in somewhat of a state of denial about your mother being dead. I remember having an argument with you about the fact that you always spoke about your mother in the present tense, like she was still alive. And thinking how creepy it was that her room in the house in Montauk was basically untouched 3 or 4 years after she died. I was amazed when you let me move things around in that room to create an office. I know a part of me hoped doing so would be therapeutic for you, but I don’t think it changed anything. The ironic thing about all this is that I really did want to understand you, and on many levels you remind me of a younger me – when I was uptight and anal retentive and no fun to be around. 


But my experience with N, driving across country and living in San Diego for a year, away from my friends and family, and living with a manic depressive, bulimic girl made me a stronger person, and made me realize what was important in life, and more importantly, what wasn’t important in life. Things like money – which we fought about all the time. You worried about it constantly, yet you had a good job. I was struggling to make a web design business work, but I never worried about money. Because I knew, if I had to get a job, I could – and I would. Just like the summer we met and I worked at the hotel. You can always get a job and figure out how to live within the means you earn. But to contemplate that scared you. And I can relate to that because I was there. I didn’t want to live “pay check to pay check” and so I didn’t make the movie with B and C when I graduated college, and, although the movie wasn’t a huge success and C and B don’t speak to each other anymore, there is a part of me that regrets not taking the leap – the risk – and doing that movie. 


I know a part of me thought I could change you, because I felt like I’d been in your shoes before – but it took me a long time to realize that you didn’t want to change. I guess you either liked who you were, although I don’t think you did, or you were just scared of change. But everyone is scared of change, but that’s what makes it exciting and worth doing. Of course, being scared of change is why I stayed with you for so long – because I didn’t know where I would go, where I would live, what I would say to people about why we broke up. But I finally found the strength to make the change, and I guess that’s part of why I’m writing this letter -- because change has come to me once again. 


I’ve sold my half of my company and started working a full time job for DM, which, looking back seems so ironic. I always felt that part of you was waiting for me to give up the web design business and get “a real job.” I never felt like you supported me emotionally in any way, and I know you never supported me financially. But when I made the one offer to you – that I would move to Pennsylvania with you when I had finished the hotel program, and get a job working for someone else – but that to do so you would have to stick it out in NYC and pay most of the bills because I would not take on any new work, you declined that offer. I don’t know if that was because you were so obsessed with money, or because you didn’t have faith that I could find a job, or what, but you had your shot.


I never felt I got any support from you in the things I tried to do, and yet, any time you “did” something for me, it was always about how you made some sacrifice for me and how I should somehow be grateful or indebted to you. A classic example of this was one of the times we were visiting Montauk while living in North Bellmore and I had a meeting planned with G for the following morning. He called to see if we could meet during the evening of the current day and I asked you if that was okay or if you had too much to do to get back to East Hampton in time. You said it was okay, but then proceeded to storm around the house like you had too much to do and too little time, and you blamed me for putting you in that situation. Yet, it never crossed your mind that I gave you a choice and you made a choice and then didn’t want to take responsibility for the consequences of that choice.
So that’s what this whole letter is about – and why the lyrics at the beginning of the letter seemed appropriate to me… This is the last time I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you. How many times did we have fights, and how many times did you take responsibility for provoking me or perhaps overreacting to something I said or did? Zero. None. Zilch. 


And that’s why I’m still so angry at you. And it seems so ironic, given that you are a nurse, and were a critical care nurse before we met. Maybe that’s part of it though – in that line of work, you can’t make mistakes, because if you do, people die. And so maybe you thought that you were perfect, and that you didn’t make mistakes in your everyday life either. 


And that of course makes me think of, again, your bad attitude about the volunteer ambulance core in Montauk, and how you blamed them for your mother’s deaths – that they didn’t respond fast enough or do enough. You couldn’t accept that they did the best they could. I can guarantee you – no one on that crew decided that night that your mother’s life wasn’t worth saving. But that wasn’t good enough for you. You couldn’t accept that they did the best they could, because their best wasn’t enough to keep your mother alive. But I’m sure there have been times in your career as a nurse where patients have died despite the best efforts of the doctors and nurses at the hospital, and in those cases, I certainly hope that the families of the deceased didn’t blame the medical staff for a lack of effort.
The whole reason the idea of writing this letter came up is because I’m in therapy again – I’ve been having panic attacks since November of last year. The first one came while I was on my way to meet a girl whom I had made contact with over the Internet. The funny thing about therapy is looking back at the time you and I spent in therapy and what a farce it seems like now. I’m so curious to know what you talked to the doctor about during your solo sessions. And I so strongly believe that you only went because you thought I would change, and that you didn’t need to change. I like to write and I remember some snotty comment you made to me about how I wasn’t writing any more while we were together – but I was.. just nothing I could share with you, because it was mostly me venting about you. 


Of course, when we first started dating I gave you 10 or 12 poems that I wrote because I was curious to see what you thought of them, and I know you never gave me any feedback, and I wonder if you ever read them.


Probably not..

Ok this is a really long post so I'll end it here but I'm sure I'll have more things to add about D later.

The Embarrassment Factor

Another issue I struggle with related to anxiety is embarrassment. Should I have an anxiety attack in front of a group of strangers -- say on a subway or airplane -- I will be very self conscious about the how thing. This factors greatly into my anticipatory anxiety syndrome -- I fear not only the anxiety attack but the feeling of becoming the center of attention in a bad way. (Although I've never liked attracting attention to myself, even "good" attention) And then I have to deal with what I feel is post-anxiety embarrassment -- like admitting to people that I had an anxiety attack and didn't go to Aruba. I'm not so much concerned with those closest to me but rather "in between" people -- my neighbors, my co-workers, people on my touch football team. For those who know nothing about my anxiety do I lie and tell them I went on the trip? Or if I see them before my scheduled return what do I say about why I'm home? 

Aruba.. Or not..

I was again unable to get on a plane and go to Aruba. This time, however, I had my anxiety attack, complete with uncontrollable sobbing in our apartment before we had even left. The only upside to having it earlier is that I convinced Pam to go without me. As bad as I felt anxiety-wise I felt even more guilty about the possibility of Pam missing out on a vacation. I think of all the times my mother had wanted to go (or has gone) away and the angst that my Dad went through and his attempts to get her to not go. I don't want to have Pam miss out because of my anxiety.

So with Pam in Aruba and me still off from work next week I"m planning to see my therapist multiple times and work on a plan to aggressively conquer this whole stupid anxiety thing, including, hopefully, figuring out a way to induce anxiety attacks in an otherwise controlled environmental so that I can learn how to work through them on my own but also so that they are no longer this big scarey unknown. The panic attacks are, I think, a lot like the anxiety I had about thunderstorms when I was younger -- I would stress about thunderstorms days in advance if I saw them in the forecast. However, I started to get better about thunderstorms when I learned more about weather patterns and even clouds so that, although I couldn't control them, I felt like they wouldn't "sneak up" on me and also if a storm was coming I had a better sense of what to expect. This is my goal with my anxiety -- to learn more about the panic attacks themselves and learn to know what to expect.

Additionally, I'm hoping to work with the therapist to determine the root cause of the anxiety. As she pointed out, the anxiety is most likely a metaphor for something else. I had hoped to make a break through to an "a ha!" moment while I was in therapy early on (2004 and beyond) but lacking that kind of break through I accepted that the medication was enabling me to do things without anxiety. However, since my anxiety has reoccurred - mostly in response to Dad's health issues -- I have been unable to ride subways alone and, of course, unable to face getting on a plane.

Although I'm disappointed in missing out on two vacations - California and Aruba - and frustrated with my subway issues that effect me daily, I feel good in that my new therapist seems very proactive as far as dealing with all this and I also realize I can't commit myself to doing things I'm not ready to do (like flying places).

Aruba!

My wife and I are flying to Aruba tomorrow. I'm feeling quite anxious about the trip because of my inability to board the plane when we were supposed to fly to California in January. However, I feel like I've taken all the right steps to get it done this time. We'll get to the airport early and I've spoken with the airline about boarding first which I think will help a great deal. I also have Xanax to take in addition to my normal Klonopin and I'll make sure to take the meds further in advance this time around. Also, the flight is early in the morning -- 8am -- which works well in the sense that I'm not a morning person and so being tired should help me sleep too.


I'm also planning to tweet throughout the trip from home to the airport and while we're waiting to board the plane. I think too that there will be wifi on the plane (but I'm not 100% sure) and so in some strange way, feeling "connected" to the world via the internet would make me feel better too.