I'm home alone and I had a mild anxiety attack this morning. I think there were many factors involved in triggering the attack. Firstly, I didn't sleep well last night -- I had a lot of weird dreams, including some strange "where am I" / "How did I get here" type dreams. Pam is away too -- with the car -- and so my normal routine of driving to work is not an option. I took a cab to work on Tuesday but worked from home yesterday and so I'm working from home again today. I think the other part of the trigger was I have a dentist appointment scheduled for this afternoon (which I've now cancelled). The appointment was to have a post implanted in my jaw to eventually support a fake tooth. I was definitely nervous about the whole procedure and how I would feel after it and so I wasn't looking forward to going. And again, not having Pam here always ramps up my overall anxiety level.
I took my "as needed" meds to help calm myself down and then told my work supervisor about my anxiety.I think he was aware of my anxiety but since he is my new supervisor I wasn't 100% sure.
I'm trying not too think too much about tomorrow -- I "have" to get into the city at some point because I borrowed a co-workers iPad and he is leaving tomorrow (he isn't normally in our NYC office) and I also have to go to Duane Reade and pick up my daily meds. I'm thinking that I could make the trip this evening when no one is in the office and traffic will be light. I can drop off the iPad and e-mail my co-worker about where I left it and then go to Duane Reade and then take a cab home again.
I hate that I feel this way, especially when Pam is away, because I don't want her to feel like she can't go away. Of course, not having the car makes it harder -- being in a cab makes me feel like I have less control, although you'd think that, on some level, having a person in the cab with me (the driver) would make me feel better. However, the drivers typically are on their cell phones (even though they aren't supposed to be) and even then, don't seem to speak much english.
Okay.. I guess I should actually starting working now..
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sad
I've been putting off this post for a while because I was still working on my reaction to some sad news.
I found out that other day that someone I knew had died. He was a doctor - a chiropractor - that I knew because I had been a patient of his from 2003-2006. He was only 35, so I'm older than he is. I guessed that we were around the same age. He was such a good guy. He died of hantavirus..such a rare thing to die from. He left behind a wife and three children.
I was really effected by learning of his death because I read about how he was cleaning the basement of the house he and his wife owned and that the virus he died of probably came from mouse droppings in the basement. When I was his patient I remember him speaking fondly of the "old" house he and his wife had bought. The work they had put into it. His oldest child is five - I remember him telling me about his wife being pregnant and how excited he was about the pending birth of his first child.
He was a great doctor and after almost three years of treatment I stopped seeing him because my back felt better. And it still feels good. I've had other problems with my upper back and I've moved from one place to another and so I see a different chiropractor when I need too. But the problems he helped me with - my lower back - I had suffered with off and on for almost 8 years before I found him. He treated me, and after 8 years of suffering he "cured" me. It took almost 3 years but he did it and I felt great. And now he is gone.
I was almost sick to my stomach when I read the story about him. It was "news" because it was such an unusual way for someone to die. But it should have been news because this young man, only 35 years old, died. Whatever the reason, whatever the cause, it should be brought to the attention of the general public. Good people shouldn't die.. but they do. I know that there are many brave and heroic men and women who have died in Iraq or Afghanistan or who died in countless other wars, and I know that often their deaths go unnoticed or unaccounted for by the general public. And those deaths are no less important, but this death, really struck me. Maybe because I knew him, maybe because we had a lot in common -- our age, our attempts to start our own businesses, other things.
I'm so sad thinking about him being gone, and that doesn't even include when I think about the wife and children he left behind.
And I guess on some level, this sad story helps me put things in perspective too. I have my anxiety, I worry about getting stuck on a subway or an elevator, but the reality of this sad news makes me realize that my life is pretty good, and being stuck in some scarey place, for minutes or even hours, doesn't compare to the pain his famiyl must feel.
I found out that other day that someone I knew had died. He was a doctor - a chiropractor - that I knew because I had been a patient of his from 2003-2006. He was only 35, so I'm older than he is. I guessed that we were around the same age. He was such a good guy. He died of hantavirus..such a rare thing to die from. He left behind a wife and three children.
I was really effected by learning of his death because I read about how he was cleaning the basement of the house he and his wife owned and that the virus he died of probably came from mouse droppings in the basement. When I was his patient I remember him speaking fondly of the "old" house he and his wife had bought. The work they had put into it. His oldest child is five - I remember him telling me about his wife being pregnant and how excited he was about the pending birth of his first child.
He was a great doctor and after almost three years of treatment I stopped seeing him because my back felt better. And it still feels good. I've had other problems with my upper back and I've moved from one place to another and so I see a different chiropractor when I need too. But the problems he helped me with - my lower back - I had suffered with off and on for almost 8 years before I found him. He treated me, and after 8 years of suffering he "cured" me. It took almost 3 years but he did it and I felt great. And now he is gone.
I was almost sick to my stomach when I read the story about him. It was "news" because it was such an unusual way for someone to die. But it should have been news because this young man, only 35 years old, died. Whatever the reason, whatever the cause, it should be brought to the attention of the general public. Good people shouldn't die.. but they do. I know that there are many brave and heroic men and women who have died in Iraq or Afghanistan or who died in countless other wars, and I know that often their deaths go unnoticed or unaccounted for by the general public. And those deaths are no less important, but this death, really struck me. Maybe because I knew him, maybe because we had a lot in common -- our age, our attempts to start our own businesses, other things.
I'm so sad thinking about him being gone, and that doesn't even include when I think about the wife and children he left behind.
And I guess on some level, this sad story helps me put things in perspective too. I have my anxiety, I worry about getting stuck on a subway or an elevator, but the reality of this sad news makes me realize that my life is pretty good, and being stuck in some scarey place, for minutes or even hours, doesn't compare to the pain his famiyl must feel.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Meds
I saw a new psychiatrist last week and I like him. The reason I switched was because my company's insurance changed and my old psychiatrist wasn't on the new plan. Plus, she was basically just a pill dispenser - I started seeing her when I first moved to Brooklyn and wanted to continue on the same meds I had been on and I never did any real "talk" therapy with her.
The new psychiatrist , Dr. B, was referred to me by my new(ish) weekly talk therapist, C. I guess C is a clinical social worker but she may be a psychologist. I'm not really sure the difference.
Anyway, I like Dr. B. I had to fill out all sorts of paper work before I saw him and I included in that the multi page document I had written about my history of anxiety. Of course, he hadn't read it when I first saw him, but that was okay as we covered the highlights in our session.
So for now he decided to keep me on my "regular" meds, Paxil CR 75mg a day -- which he said was a very high dose, but I knew that. But he also prescribed me new meds - beta blockers - which are used for people with high blood pressure. The theory is that the new meds will help reduce the my body's normal fight or flight response and so I should feel less anxious. He told me to take one about 30 minutes before I want to visit the subway. Of course, he told me to take a test pill first to make sure I wasn't the one in a million person who ended up passing out from it!
The whole thing with "visiting" the subway was C's idea. Basically she wants me to slowly get back into being comfortable in the subway, first by just hanging out on the platform and then eventually going at least one stop, and then two, three, etc. So far I've had "bad" experiences because I get anxious just being in the subway station, even though I know I'm not going to get on the train. So Dr. B thinks the new meds will help me with that general anxiety and help me to evolve into getting on the subway again some day.
The new psychiatrist , Dr. B, was referred to me by my new(ish) weekly talk therapist, C. I guess C is a clinical social worker but she may be a psychologist. I'm not really sure the difference.
Anyway, I like Dr. B. I had to fill out all sorts of paper work before I saw him and I included in that the multi page document I had written about my history of anxiety. Of course, he hadn't read it when I first saw him, but that was okay as we covered the highlights in our session.
So for now he decided to keep me on my "regular" meds, Paxil CR 75mg a day -- which he said was a very high dose, but I knew that. But he also prescribed me new meds - beta blockers - which are used for people with high blood pressure. The theory is that the new meds will help reduce the my body's normal fight or flight response and so I should feel less anxious. He told me to take one about 30 minutes before I want to visit the subway. Of course, he told me to take a test pill first to make sure I wasn't the one in a million person who ended up passing out from it!
The whole thing with "visiting" the subway was C's idea. Basically she wants me to slowly get back into being comfortable in the subway, first by just hanging out on the platform and then eventually going at least one stop, and then two, three, etc. So far I've had "bad" experiences because I get anxious just being in the subway station, even though I know I'm not going to get on the train. So Dr. B thinks the new meds will help me with that general anxiety and help me to evolve into getting on the subway again some day.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Anticipatory Anxiety
I'm supposed to meet some friends in NYC around 7pm tonight for karaoke. I'm meeting up with people I played touch football with and the get together was actually my idea. However, I'm feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing. I believe the anxiety is mostly because Pam is on Long Island at her Mom's as opposed to here in Brooklyn with me. Even if Pam were here she most likely would not be joining me at karaoke but I would feel better for two reasons -- one, she would be here and reachable if I "needed" her and two, I could drive.
Of course, she is still reachable - she has her cell and I can call her. I can also can any of the many others who know about my anxiety and have offered to "be there" for me. But I think having her physically here would make me feel better before leaving.
And driving would be nice on one level but on the other hand, if I don't drive I can have a cocktail or two and not worry about the effects of the alcohol as I would have to worry if I drove.
I know myself well enough to know that this anxiety is not new or unusual and that once I get to the bar and meet up with my friends I'll most likely be fine. However, I am considering taking a med before I leave our apartment. And speaking of meds - I need to do another blog post about the new psychiatrist I started seeing and the meds he put me on.
Of course, she is still reachable - she has her cell and I can call her. I can also can any of the many others who know about my anxiety and have offered to "be there" for me. But I think having her physically here would make me feel better before leaving.
And driving would be nice on one level but on the other hand, if I don't drive I can have a cocktail or two and not worry about the effects of the alcohol as I would have to worry if I drove.
I know myself well enough to know that this anxiety is not new or unusual and that once I get to the bar and meet up with my friends I'll most likely be fine. However, I am considering taking a med before I leave our apartment. And speaking of meds - I need to do another blog post about the new psychiatrist I started seeing and the meds he put me on.
Friday, May 27, 2011
A New Chapter
Start a new chapter
Find what I'm after
It's changing every day
The change of a season
Is enough of a reason
To want to get away
One of my relatives just turned 30 and she had a nice outlook on her big birthday -- she said she saw it as an opportunity to start a new part of her life. Her 29th year was filled with some work related uncertainty and she felt like the timing of her birthday coincided with a new job and some other changes nicely.
I have a significant birthday coming out in October -- I'll be 40! I'm now thinking that for me 40 will also be a good turning point. I'm going to get back to aggressively "challenging" my anxiety and trying to over come my inability to tide on the subway. Even if that means having some failures that include having anxiety attacks. I used to get migraine headaches a few times a year (over the past four years I've only had two) and after the first few that really freaked me out I learned how to handle them and so, although they were unpleasant, they just became an annoyance, not a "big deal". I always thought I would get to that point with the anxiety attacks. My goal is to get to that point now.
*The lyrics at the top of this post are from the song "Fly By Night" by Rush
Find what I'm after
It's changing every day
The change of a season
Is enough of a reason
To want to get away
One of my relatives just turned 30 and she had a nice outlook on her big birthday -- she said she saw it as an opportunity to start a new part of her life. Her 29th year was filled with some work related uncertainty and she felt like the timing of her birthday coincided with a new job and some other changes nicely.
I have a significant birthday coming out in October -- I'll be 40! I'm now thinking that for me 40 will also be a good turning point. I'm going to get back to aggressively "challenging" my anxiety and trying to over come my inability to tide on the subway. Even if that means having some failures that include having anxiety attacks. I used to get migraine headaches a few times a year (over the past four years I've only had two) and after the first few that really freaked me out I learned how to handle them and so, although they were unpleasant, they just became an annoyance, not a "big deal". I always thought I would get to that point with the anxiety attacks. My goal is to get to that point now.
*The lyrics at the top of this post are from the song "Fly By Night" by Rush
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Death
I just found out that a good friend's mother passed away tonight. She had apparently been ill for some time, but its still sad when someone dies.
I sent him a message on Facebook after hearing the news. Later, when I was on Facebook again to see what others might have written in reaching out to him I was surprised to see that he had posted something. The specifics of what he posted are not important, but the content was basically about Heaven and his Mom being there now with his Dad. I was moved by this and it got me thinking.
My parents are older -- both in there 80's -- and as I've discussed some on this blog, my Dad's health is not great. When the day comes that one of my parents is gone I know I won't have the positive outlook that my friend did. I'm not religious and I don't believe in heaven.
I know this is a strange post but I just wanted to share my thoughts.
I sent him a message on Facebook after hearing the news. Later, when I was on Facebook again to see what others might have written in reaching out to him I was surprised to see that he had posted something. The specifics of what he posted are not important, but the content was basically about Heaven and his Mom being there now with his Dad. I was moved by this and it got me thinking.
My parents are older -- both in there 80's -- and as I've discussed some on this blog, my Dad's health is not great. When the day comes that one of my parents is gone I know I won't have the positive outlook that my friend did. I'm not religious and I don't believe in heaven.
I know this is a strange post but I just wanted to share my thoughts.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Some Transitions Are Good!
On Friday I met with my new boss and got a promotion and a raise! I'm quite excited - but also a little nervous. The reason I have a new boss is that when my company was acquired my current boss was given the option to move into a more long term strategic / planning role and along with that was the opportunity to move he and his family to London so he jumped at the chance.
Anyway, when my boss told me of his transition I made he and others aware that I thought I would be a good candidate to take over for him as the "leader" of our development team. At first it looked like this wasn't going to happen -- we had been told that we, the development team, would all report to someone else. So that someone else is my new boss.
However, when I met with him on Friday he told me he was glad to learn that I was interested in becoming the team leader and that he was really hoping to rely on me for a lot of help and guidance on the internal transition of our companies following the acquisition.
Now the reason I'm a little nervous about the promotion is that it MAY require some travel. And as you all know, I'm not a great traveler right now. My old boss knew about my anxiety but I'm pretty sure he has not mentioned it to anyone else. There is no travel on the radar at the moment but its something I have to think about and figure out how to handle if / when it comes up.
Anyway, when my boss told me of his transition I made he and others aware that I thought I would be a good candidate to take over for him as the "leader" of our development team. At first it looked like this wasn't going to happen -- we had been told that we, the development team, would all report to someone else. So that someone else is my new boss.
However, when I met with him on Friday he told me he was glad to learn that I was interested in becoming the team leader and that he was really hoping to rely on me for a lot of help and guidance on the internal transition of our companies following the acquisition.
Now the reason I'm a little nervous about the promotion is that it MAY require some travel. And as you all know, I'm not a great traveler right now. My old boss knew about my anxiety but I'm pretty sure he has not mentioned it to anyone else. There is no travel on the radar at the moment but its something I have to think about and figure out how to handle if / when it comes up.
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