What About Thunderstorms?

The three paragraphs below were written either in late 1992 when I was back at school and there was still summer type weather (thunderstorms) or else in May of 1993 before school had ended for the year.

And what about thunderstorms? Why am I so frightened of them? What happened to me during my childhood that put this profound fear into me? I don't remember always being afraid of them. I don't ever remember being worried about the weather. Was it little league? Maybe that game we started to play in a thunderstorm and then it was finally called off? Or the other one we played down by John Marshall when it started to thunder and suddenly I felt sick.. Was that before, after, or during the time I was in 6th grade and I had this fear of nuclear war? It must have been during that time. When I was in fifth grade and we had the bad storm the day the ambulance came for show and tell and we were all getting ready to go home, standing by the windows packing our bags and the thunder cracked and people dove out of the way of the window because the thunder was so loud. But I remember helping Mariano with reading science before we were getting ready to leave and being scared about the weather, but dealing with it. That was in Miss Zay's fifth grade class. I mean, I can rationalize to myself that nothing is going to happen - especially here in New York, but still I wonder about them three days in advance.

So we had some thunderstorms the other night and I knew they were coming, although in my heart I didn't think they would, just like they never do, and they did! But I was okay. At first I was a little nervous but then it ended and it was no big deal! Can I do that this summer? I was home so I was okay. What if I hadn't been? But what's the difference?

So this summer (1992) we had some T-Storms while I was at work an I dealt with them.. Am I finally over it?

Can We Resolve the Past? Part II

I wrote this passage while in college – I think it was during my sophomore year – my plan was to stay in NYC during the summer between junior and senior year and work and hopefully use that job as a spring board to a “real” job after graduation. I didn't end up staying in the city that summer. I was dating a girl named L and she commented to me that I talked a lot of “the past”, which was high school which wasn't really that far in the past. S is a girl I was really good friends with in high school – I was “in love” with her, or whatever it was I defined ‘love” as back in high school but I never told her how I felt for fear of losing the relationship we had if she didn't feel the same way.


Am I holding on to the past? Do I hold onto the past because I'm scared of moving forward?


I sit here, still waiting for the semester to end. I'll return home this summer, but that will be it. Then it's off to school and work in NYC for the summer. Why do I feel so alone? My roommate is here but he isn't present. When I drove a long time alone I feel like I want to cry. What is my life becoming? How come I don't seem as happy as everyone else? Are they miserable too? Just not expressing it to me? Can I do better? Or am I still insecure about myself? About growing up? Will I sit in my fucking apartment and rot away until school ends? I need to get out of here. Why does my future feel so bleak? I can make it in this world, just maybe not as a cinematographer. I hate to travel. I hate New York.


I love S but do I? Or is it just that she symbolizes a time in my life when I was secure? Do I long for her or do I long for that time? Is this poetry? Is this symbolism? Am I just one of the masses? Why aren't I different? What does Shannon really think of me? Am I'm living in a Hollywood dream, or does she think about me? Is she insecure? Does she need me to be there for her or has she found someone else.. Does she need someone else? Do I? YES!! I need someone I can talk to, relate too. I need those phone conversations with Shannon where I can feel secure and she can confide in me. I need a relationship where I can be nonthreatening and feel nonthreatened. Do I look for that whenever I meet a girl? 


"No one told you when to run, you've missed the starting gun."


These are thoughts that constantly run through my mind, and now that they are on paper for me to confront whenever I feel strong, they suddenly no longer seem so dangerous. I look this all over and think - fuck it. I'm happy and I'll always be happy. I can do whatever I want with my life and so I will. I have no real reason to be insecure, or unhappy for that matter.

Post From the Road

I've downloaded the Blogger app for my Android phone and I'm writing this post from my phone. However, even with Swype its taking way too long to enter text so I don't think I'll do this often.

Can We Resolve the Past?

I have been re-reading old journals that I started keeping in high school. I kept up on them for a long time - probably 12 years or so -- but then only sporadically after that. Once I got more into writing poetry regularly I stopped keeping a journal. Part of me misses the tactile experience of writing in an actual notepad with a pen or pencil. Now I feel like I can't write unless I'm at my computer. (I've started posting some of my poetry online, in another blog, http://nypoetry.blogspot.com/, if you are interested in reading my poems.


Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because, as I said, I was re-reading some of the journals and I am almost surprised at how often I wrote in my journals about the past. The title for this blog entry comes from a Jim Morrison poem and it seems that I spend most of my time writing about the past. Trying to determine why I did (or didn't) do something, what I could have done differently, etc.


But it is also interesting to look back at my previous writings and see how often the same fears come up -- fears about myself. Different kinds of insecurities about me, my job, my love life, my friends, my family.


Looking back it seems to me that my current anxiety isn't all that different from any other anxiety I've suffered from in the past. First it was thunderstorms, then elevators, then driving and now subways. But its always about control - or lack of - or at least the perception of a lack of control, and the fear of losing control.


I also often second guess myself - usually when I didn't act - and then I tend to dwell on the potential missed opportunity.


I'm thinking about posting some of my old journal entries on to this blog as they may generate some interesting feedback and I think that those old insecurities will still resonate 20+ years later.


I'm back to therapy tomorrow -- I didn't go last week because I only had one appointment scheduled and I woke up with bad stomach ache - I think from the lime chipolte marinade we had on our steak.


I'm looking forward to my session tomorrow because I feel like I have lots to talk about -- most of it good! 

The Embarrassment Factor

Another issue I struggle with related to anxiety is embarrassment. Should I have an anxiety attack in front of a group of strangers -- say on a subway or airplane -- I will be very self conscious about the how thing. This factors greatly into my anticipatory anxiety syndrome -- I fear not only the anxiety attack but the feeling of becoming the center of attention in a bad way. (Although I've never liked attracting attention to myself, even "good" attention) And then I have to deal with what I feel is post-anxiety embarrassment -- like admitting to people that I had an anxiety attack and didn't go to Aruba. I'm not so much concerned with those closest to me but rather "in between" people -- my neighbors, my co-workers, people on my touch football team. For those who know nothing about my anxiety do I lie and tell them I went on the trip? Or if I see them before my scheduled return what do I say about why I'm home? 

Aruba.. Or not..

I was again unable to get on a plane and go to Aruba. This time, however, I had my anxiety attack, complete with uncontrollable sobbing in our apartment before we had even left. The only upside to having it earlier is that I convinced Pam to go without me. As bad as I felt anxiety-wise I felt even more guilty about the possibility of Pam missing out on a vacation. I think of all the times my mother had wanted to go (or has gone) away and the angst that my Dad went through and his attempts to get her to not go. I don't want to have Pam miss out because of my anxiety.

So with Pam in Aruba and me still off from work next week I"m planning to see my therapist multiple times and work on a plan to aggressively conquer this whole stupid anxiety thing, including, hopefully, figuring out a way to induce anxiety attacks in an otherwise controlled environmental so that I can learn how to work through them on my own but also so that they are no longer this big scarey unknown. The panic attacks are, I think, a lot like the anxiety I had about thunderstorms when I was younger -- I would stress about thunderstorms days in advance if I saw them in the forecast. However, I started to get better about thunderstorms when I learned more about weather patterns and even clouds so that, although I couldn't control them, I felt like they wouldn't "sneak up" on me and also if a storm was coming I had a better sense of what to expect. This is my goal with my anxiety -- to learn more about the panic attacks themselves and learn to know what to expect.

Additionally, I'm hoping to work with the therapist to determine the root cause of the anxiety. As she pointed out, the anxiety is most likely a metaphor for something else. I had hoped to make a break through to an "a ha!" moment while I was in therapy early on (2004 and beyond) but lacking that kind of break through I accepted that the medication was enabling me to do things without anxiety. However, since my anxiety has reoccurred - mostly in response to Dad's health issues -- I have been unable to ride subways alone and, of course, unable to face getting on a plane.

Although I'm disappointed in missing out on two vacations - California and Aruba - and frustrated with my subway issues that effect me daily, I feel good in that my new therapist seems very proactive as far as dealing with all this and I also realize I can't commit myself to doing things I'm not ready to do (like flying places).

Aruba!

My wife and I are flying to Aruba tomorrow. I'm feeling quite anxious about the trip because of my inability to board the plane when we were supposed to fly to California in January. However, I feel like I've taken all the right steps to get it done this time. We'll get to the airport early and I've spoken with the airline about boarding first which I think will help a great deal. I also have Xanax to take in addition to my normal Klonopin and I'll make sure to take the meds further in advance this time around. Also, the flight is early in the morning -- 8am -- which works well in the sense that I'm not a morning person and so being tired should help me sleep too.


I'm also planning to tweet throughout the trip from home to the airport and while we're waiting to board the plane. I think too that there will be wifi on the plane (but I'm not 100% sure) and so in some strange way, feeling "connected" to the world via the internet would make me feel better too.