Monday, April 11, 2011

Can We Resolve the Past?

I have been re-reading old journals that I started keeping in high school. I kept up on them for a long time - probably 12 years or so -- but then only sporadically after that. Once I got more into writing poetry regularly I stopped keeping a journal. Part of me misses the tactile experience of writing in an actual notepad with a pen or pencil. Now I feel like I can't write unless I'm at my computer. (I've started posting some of my poetry online, in another blog,, if you are interested in reading my poems.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because, as I said, I was re-reading some of the journals and I am almost surprised at how often I wrote in my journals about the past. The title for this blog entry comes from a Jim Morrison poem and it seems that I spend most of my time writing about the past. Trying to determine why I did (or didn't) do something, what I could have done differently, etc.

But it is also interesting to look back at my previous writings and see how often the same fears come up -- fears about myself. Different kinds of insecurities about me, my job, my love life, my friends, my family.

Looking back it seems to me that my current anxiety isn't all that different from any other anxiety I've suffered from in the past. First it was thunderstorms, then elevators, then driving and now subways. But its always about control - or lack of - or at least the perception of a lack of control, and the fear of losing control.

I also often second guess myself - usually when I didn't act - and then I tend to dwell on the potential missed opportunity.

I'm thinking about posting some of my old journal entries on to this blog as they may generate some interesting feedback and I think that those old insecurities will still resonate 20+ years later.

I'm back to therapy tomorrow -- I didn't go last week because I only had one appointment scheduled and I woke up with bad stomach ache - I think from the lime chipolte marinade we had on our steak.

I'm looking forward to my session tomorrow because I feel like I have lots to talk about -- most of it good! 

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