Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Can We Resolve the Past? Part II
I wrote this passage while in college – I think it was during my sophomore year – my plan was to stay in NYC during the summer between junior and senior year and work and hopefully use that job as a spring board to a “real” job after graduation. I didn't end up staying in the city that summer. I was dating a girl named L and she commented to me that I talked a lot of “the past”, which was high school which wasn't really that far in the past. S is a girl I was really good friends with in high school – I was “in love” with her, or whatever it was I defined ‘love” as back in high school but I never told her how I felt for fear of losing the relationship we had if she didn't feel the same way.
Am I holding on to the past? Do I hold onto the past because I'm scared of moving forward?
I sit here, still waiting for the semester to end. I'll return home this summer, but that will be it. Then it's off to school and work in NYC for the summer. Why do I feel so alone? My roommate is here but he isn't present. When I drove a long time alone I feel like I want to cry. What is my life becoming? How come I don't seem as happy as everyone else? Are they miserable too? Just not expressing it to me? Can I do better? Or am I still insecure about myself? About growing up? Will I sit in my fucking apartment and rot away until school ends? I need to get out of here. Why does my future feel so bleak? I can make it in this world, just maybe not as a cinematographer. I hate to travel. I hate New York.
I love S but do I? Or is it just that she symbolizes a time in my life when I was secure? Do I long for her or do I long for that time? Is this poetry? Is this symbolism? Am I just one of the masses? Why aren't I different? What does Shannon really think of me? Am I'm living in a Hollywood dream, or does she think about me? Is she insecure? Does she need me to be there for her or has she found someone else.. Does she need someone else? Do I? YES!! I need someone I can talk to, relate too. I need those phone conversations with Shannon where I can feel secure and she can confide in me. I need a relationship where I can be nonthreatening and feel nonthreatened. Do I look for that whenever I meet a girl?
"No one told you when to run, you've missed the starting gun."
These are thoughts that constantly run through my mind, and now that they are on paper for me to confront whenever I feel strong, they suddenly no longer seem so dangerous. I look this all over and think - fuck it. I'm happy and I'll always be happy. I can do whatever I want with my life and so I will. I have no real reason to be insecure, or unhappy for that matter.