Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Elevators II

I think these two paragraphs were written after the text above because it seems like the phobia related to elevators has gotten worse. Above I reference riding the elevators in my building every day but below I talk about struggling to get on the elevator. I remember the struggling part – I think it was after the original World Trade Center attack when I returned to school for the last semester of my junior year that I really had trouble getting on the elevators. The first semester of my senior year I lived with my sister Susan (the one I don’t like) in her apartment. My parents were helping her with her rent and my roommate, knowing I was planning to move out of NYC after the first semester of our senior year, had moved to Brooklyn with another one of our classmates when our leased expired. Since I / my parents didn't want to sign a year lease with plans to not be in NYC for a year my parents made a deal with my sister relative to me living there. I guess maybe she had been paying her own rent but since I was living there my parents helped out with the rent. (I’m not sure if they weren’t paying part of her rent all along)

Now it's gotten to the point where I can't get on any elevator other than the one in this building, and here I can only get on if I'm accompanied by someone and then I don't want to go past the third floor, regardless of who I'm with.. What is the fucking deal? The fear is about not knowing what to do if we get stuck, the odds of which are slim to none, I'm sure, but WHAT IF... It's all about control, and not having it. That is where the fear lies. Anything else that is "what if" I have some control over. You see, if I could take the stairs any time, then I'd have control, and so when there was someone with me, I could go either way. If I was feeling wimpy, I'd take the stairs and if I was strong I'd take the elevator.

Part of the fear definitely resides in the lack of "feedback".. I mean, when I was in the train in the tunnel I was a little nervous, but as long as I could see some light or something outside the train I was okay, knowing that I was in the dark abyss. I think that part of the reason I was okay with someone else in the elevator was that in the event we got stuck I had someone to talk to, so I wasn't "alone"..

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